I have received a few questions lately from parents who are concerned about their teens and sexuality. I guess it is in the front of everyone’s minds with all the media coverage recently. How do we support our teens to have a healthy attitude towards their sexuality and sexual relations?
When thinking about this question I did a lot of reading up on sexually active teens and what they are up to these days. If the research is correct, life for a sexually active teen is very different from their parent’s experiences. Which comes as no surprise, generational change is to be expected.
Some of the changes are positive, some research shows the rate of teen pregnancy has gone down. Girls are feeling empowered in relationships and generally there is more respect between the sexes. But what happens when things go horribly wrong? How do teenage girls get into some pretty scary situations? It’s true alcohol and drugs are often involved when poor decisions are made. And self-esteem must be an issue. What about the young men, boys in some cases who think it is ok to participate in group sex, that queuing up with several guys for their turn with one girl is some kind of male ‘right of passage’? And that the girl ‘wanted it’, ‘asked for it’.
So what do we do? Assume that only footy players and degenerates participate in these things, that our children will never find themselves at a party where such a violation takes place? I’m afraid not. We need to treat sex education, healthy body image and sexual values to our children just like we do every other aspect of their lives that is important to us.
We need to talk to our children about sex and relationships. Start young and be available to your children whenever they want to talk about things. The media is bombarding our children constantly with music clips and songs with alcohol and sex as the themes. Sex is constantly in the news and your children will have spoken to their friends about the latest indiscretions that make the headlines. So you need to be in the conversation too.
Sit down with your child and let them know what your values are. Most parents don’t even talk about the nuts and bolts of sex much less the emotional aspects of it. Help your children practice how they might support a friend who may be about to make a decision they may regret. Just like we help them say no to drugs, help your child by going through some scenarios, as embarrassing as it might be. It is possible that your child may need to help a friend who has had too much to drink and about to do something they will regret for the rest of their lives. Discuss with your son that even if it appears that a young girl is enjoying a sexual act with several guys, it is their responsibility to not contribute to someone’s pain. Also discuss how her judgement is probably impaired and she may feel quite differently the next day. We all do things we regret and I’m sure all teens can understand this.
Research shows that girls who end up at a party drunk and giving away sex or oral sex to several boys thought that it would give them some power or social status but the reality was very different. The girls regretted the decision and were socially ostracized, not only by the other girls but also by the very boys who were queuing up. Now we as adults can see this coming but what we have to keep in mind is that a teenage brain is not fully developed and it is part of the teenage experience to make mistakes. As a society I think it is our collective responsilbity to ensure that our children not to make such damaging ones.
It is also important to model positive behaviour. Your children are watching what you do much more closely than you think. Your children see you respecting the opposite sex and behaving in a warm and loving manner towards your partner, they will know what your core vales are. When you tell someone that you don’t appreciate derogatory comments, it may not make you the life of the party but it will show your child that you walk the talk.
The more we talk about body image and healthy sexuality the more likely it is your child will feel good about themselves and their relationships. Isn’t that what we want for our children and our society?
Michele Dennis
image courtesy of www.furrie.com
4 comments:
great information, Michele.
well said Michele.
its easy to say and hard to do though isnt it? while i can cope with discussing the need to use a condom and the need to have relationships based on respect, the thought of bringing up issues like group sex and oral sex seem very challenging to me. My son has a private world that he does not share with me as his mother. He doesnt have a relationship with his father. It feels almost intrusive and scary , though increasingly necessary to even broach the subject of whether he has had sex...
Yes, it is hard to do! However educating our kids about sex and helping them to have a healthy attitude is as important as any other values we would want to share with our families.
There is lots of advice out there about how to talk to your children. One book I love is When Things Get Crazy With Your Teen by Michael Bradley, published by McGraw-Hill. There is loads of great advice not only for when things are crazy but also to keep them from getting to that point.
I find timing is everything, when your child asks a question, take the time to elaborate on the issue. Also when you bring something up try to do it at a time when he will be receptive. When emotions are high and when you or your child is worried about something is not always the best time to have a good discussion.
If your son doesn't have a relationship with his father it is never too late to help him foster a relationship with a older make he can trust. This would give him someone to talk to. Even if he does have a male he can trust I think it is worthwhile to overcome your fear and talk to him yourself.
Post a Comment