My son had a birthday recently and now that he is officially a teen, we decided he could have a regular night where he is responsible for feeding the family. I find it so easy to forget that as your children get older, the ways in which they can contribute around the house changes.
He chose as his first meal one that is perfect for winter. I found this Macaroni and Cheese recipe years ago on about.com and if you’re like me you may never eat mac and cheese out of a box again.
Baked Macaroni and Cheese
1 1/2 cups elbow macaroni, shells work nicely too
2 tablespoons butter
2 tablespoons flour
1/4 cup milk
1 cup light cream
1/4 teaspoon paprika
1/2 teaspoon white pepper
2 1/2 cups grated sharp cheese
salt
Preheat oven to 350 F(180 C) Boil macaroni according to package and set aside.
Meanwhile melt butter in a medium saucepan over low heat. Blend in flour, stirring constantly, until mixture boils and thickens, about 2 to 3 minutes.
Remove from heat and add paprika, pepper and 2 cups of the cheese; stir until cheese is melted.
Gently stir in macaroni and salt to taste.
Place in a buttered oven- proof dish. Use a dish that suits your families taste. We like lots of crunchy bits so I use a flatter one, if you like it creamy use a deeper one.
Garnish top with remaining 1/2 cup cheese and dot with additional butter.
Bake 25-30 minutes. Serves 4 to 6.
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Monday, June 8, 2009
Teenagers & Sex
I have received a few questions lately from parents who are concerned about their teens and sexuality. I guess it is in the front of everyone’s minds with all the media coverage recently. How do we support our teens to have a healthy attitude towards their sexuality and sexual relations?
When thinking about this question I did a lot of reading up on sexually active teens and what they are up to these days. If the research is correct, life for a sexually active teen is very different from their parent’s experiences. Which comes as no surprise, generational change is to be expected.
Some of the changes are positive, some research shows the rate of teen pregnancy has gone down. Girls are feeling empowered in relationships and generally there is more respect between the sexes. But what happens when things go horribly wrong? How do teenage girls get into some pretty scary situations? It’s true alcohol and drugs are often involved when poor decisions are made. And self-esteem must be an issue. What about the young men, boys in some cases who think it is ok to participate in group sex, that queuing up with several guys for their turn with one girl is some kind of male ‘right of passage’? And that the girl ‘wanted it’, ‘asked for it’.
So what do we do? Assume that only footy players and degenerates participate in these things, that our children will never find themselves at a party where such a violation takes place? I’m afraid not. We need to treat sex education, healthy body image and sexual values to our children just like we do every other aspect of their lives that is important to us.
We need to talk to our children about sex and relationships. Start young and be available to your children whenever they want to talk about things. The media is bombarding our children constantly with music clips and songs with alcohol and sex as the themes. Sex is constantly in the news and your children will have spoken to their friends about the latest indiscretions that make the headlines. So you need to be in the conversation too.
Sit down with your child and let them know what your values are. Most parents don’t even talk about the nuts and bolts of sex much less the emotional aspects of it. Help your children practice how they might support a friend who may be about to make a decision they may regret. Just like we help them say no to drugs, help your child by going through some scenarios, as embarrassing as it might be. It is possible that your child may need to help a friend who has had too much to drink and about to do something they will regret for the rest of their lives. Discuss with your son that even if it appears that a young girl is enjoying a sexual act with several guys, it is their responsibility to not contribute to someone’s pain. Also discuss how her judgement is probably impaired and she may feel quite differently the next day. We all do things we regret and I’m sure all teens can understand this.
Research shows that girls who end up at a party drunk and giving away sex or oral sex to several boys thought that it would give them some power or social status but the reality was very different. The girls regretted the decision and were socially ostracized, not only by the other girls but also by the very boys who were queuing up. Now we as adults can see this coming but what we have to keep in mind is that a teenage brain is not fully developed and it is part of the teenage experience to make mistakes. As a society I think it is our collective responsilbity to ensure that our children not to make such damaging ones.
It is also important to model positive behaviour. Your children are watching what you do much more closely than you think. Your children see you respecting the opposite sex and behaving in a warm and loving manner towards your partner, they will know what your core vales are. When you tell someone that you don’t appreciate derogatory comments, it may not make you the life of the party but it will show your child that you walk the talk.
The more we talk about body image and healthy sexuality the more likely it is your child will feel good about themselves and their relationships. Isn’t that what we want for our children and our society?
Michele Dennis
email
When thinking about this question I did a lot of reading up on sexually active teens and what they are up to these days. If the research is correct, life for a sexually active teen is very different from their parent’s experiences. Which comes as no surprise, generational change is to be expected.
Some of the changes are positive, some research shows the rate of teen pregnancy has gone down. Girls are feeling empowered in relationships and generally there is more respect between the sexes. But what happens when things go horribly wrong? How do teenage girls get into some pretty scary situations? It’s true alcohol and drugs are often involved when poor decisions are made. And self-esteem must be an issue. What about the young men, boys in some cases who think it is ok to participate in group sex, that queuing up with several guys for their turn with one girl is some kind of male ‘right of passage’? And that the girl ‘wanted it’, ‘asked for it’.
So what do we do? Assume that only footy players and degenerates participate in these things, that our children will never find themselves at a party where such a violation takes place? I’m afraid not. We need to treat sex education, healthy body image and sexual values to our children just like we do every other aspect of their lives that is important to us.
We need to talk to our children about sex and relationships. Start young and be available to your children whenever they want to talk about things. The media is bombarding our children constantly with music clips and songs with alcohol and sex as the themes. Sex is constantly in the news and your children will have spoken to their friends about the latest indiscretions that make the headlines. So you need to be in the conversation too.
Sit down with your child and let them know what your values are. Most parents don’t even talk about the nuts and bolts of sex much less the emotional aspects of it. Help your children practice how they might support a friend who may be about to make a decision they may regret. Just like we help them say no to drugs, help your child by going through some scenarios, as embarrassing as it might be. It is possible that your child may need to help a friend who has had too much to drink and about to do something they will regret for the rest of their lives. Discuss with your son that even if it appears that a young girl is enjoying a sexual act with several guys, it is their responsibility to not contribute to someone’s pain. Also discuss how her judgement is probably impaired and she may feel quite differently the next day. We all do things we regret and I’m sure all teens can understand this.
Research shows that girls who end up at a party drunk and giving away sex or oral sex to several boys thought that it would give them some power or social status but the reality was very different. The girls regretted the decision and were socially ostracized, not only by the other girls but also by the very boys who were queuing up. Now we as adults can see this coming but what we have to keep in mind is that a teenage brain is not fully developed and it is part of the teenage experience to make mistakes. As a society I think it is our collective responsilbity to ensure that our children not to make such damaging ones.
It is also important to model positive behaviour. Your children are watching what you do much more closely than you think. Your children see you respecting the opposite sex and behaving in a warm and loving manner towards your partner, they will know what your core vales are. When you tell someone that you don’t appreciate derogatory comments, it may not make you the life of the party but it will show your child that you walk the talk.
The more we talk about body image and healthy sexuality the more likely it is your child will feel good about themselves and their relationships. Isn’t that what we want for our children and our society?
Michele Dennis
Monday, May 18, 2009
The Art of Sleep
Q. Hi Michele
I was wondering if you have any suggestions for helping my daughter fall asleep. - my daughter is 8 months old, and has slept in our bed at night time since birth. Until she was about 3 months old, she was really easy to care for - she would cry when she was tired, so I would help her fall asleep by cuddles, rocking, feeding or popping her in the sling, and then once she was asleep, I could put her down in her bassinette or cot for her daytime sleeps. She now can't sleep without physical contact - she will sleep in the sling or if I lie down with her and breastfeed her off to sleep. I can't transfer her from the sling to bed/cot without waking her, and if I feed her off to sleep, I can creep away but she will always wake within 20-40 minutes. A few times I have tried to put her down for her sleeps and she has been miserable - at one point went 3 days without a decent daytime sleep. I find this quite draining physically to be wearing her so much - I have tried lots of carriers and have a few comfortable ones, but am still getting quite tired from her weight. I also find the stretch from 7pm (when she goes to sleep) til I go to bed quite demanding, as I don't feel I get a break. I also have a very boisterous 3 year old son who wakes at 6am, so we all get up then, as my daughter wakes when I get out of bed.
Do you have any suggestions for helping her to sleep without my physical contact for her daytime sleeps and from 7pm til 9pm or so? I like co-sleeping at night, I find it lovely and snuggly and it certainly makes night feeds much easier, but I would like some time to myself before I am ready to go to bed. I suspect this might just be my daughter's needs (my son was not bothered by sleeping in his cot alone at all!) and if so, I guess I am after reassurance that at some point, she will be able to sleep a bit more independently.
Thanks
Liz
A. Dear Liz,
It can be so exhausting when babies are going through a stage when they seem to need you all the time. First of all, remember this is just a stage in your baby’s life. Try to relax and your baby may relax a bit as well. I know this is not easy, the more we try to relax the more stressed out we may feel.
I think I might first try leaving the baby on the bed as you have done before and have a t-shirt or something of yours either under the baby. See if you can use your scent to get her to sleep a bit longer.
There are other tricks mothers have used successfully. Some babies like a bit of quiet music or white noise while they are sleeping. A radio or CD with quiet music or a fan or white noise machine may help. She may sleep better with the sounds of you puttering around as well. Baby massage or a warm bath may help her relax. During the day you might enjoy going for a walk with her in the stroller from time to time. The movement will most likely keep her asleep and you get the benefit of fresh air and a bit of exercise.
Perhaps your daughter has not settled into the rhythm of being a slightly older baby. She seems to have gotten into a pattern, now you just need to find a way to change the pattern in a way that you are comfortable with. Try some different things , keeping her awake longer or adjusting her feeding times and don’t forget to be on the lookout for the cues she will give you when she is tired.
I am also wondering if there is something that is making your daughter uncomfortable. If she is teething or if there is something you have added to her diet (or your own) that is not agreeing with her. However if this has been going on quite some time it is not likely to be teething but food intolerance is a possibility.
Some babies have underlying structural issues that can make them uncomfortable, which makes it difficult to sleep. I recommend a cranio-osteopath, but parents have had success with network chiropractors as well. There are several websites that explain the issues and how craino-osteopathy works. Have a look and decide for yourself if you think your baby could benefit.
Also don’t be afraid to ask for support. If you have a partner, get him involved as much as possible. Also you can ask a friend, relative or any support person to come over and have a cup of tea and hold the baby. Or do some cleaning, play with your son, or just have a chat with you while the baby rests in your arms. People are generally happy to help and it can make such a big difference.
If you want some further reading I can highly recommend Pinky Mckay’s book, Sleeping Like a Baby.
All the best,
Michele
I was wondering if you have any suggestions for helping my daughter fall asleep. - my daughter is 8 months old, and has slept in our bed at night time since birth. Until she was about 3 months old, she was really easy to care for - she would cry when she was tired, so I would help her fall asleep by cuddles, rocking, feeding or popping her in the sling, and then once she was asleep, I could put her down in her bassinette or cot for her daytime sleeps. She now can't sleep without physical contact - she will sleep in the sling or if I lie down with her and breastfeed her off to sleep. I can't transfer her from the sling to bed/cot without waking her, and if I feed her off to sleep, I can creep away but she will always wake within 20-40 minutes. A few times I have tried to put her down for her sleeps and she has been miserable - at one point went 3 days without a decent daytime sleep. I find this quite draining physically to be wearing her so much - I have tried lots of carriers and have a few comfortable ones, but am still getting quite tired from her weight. I also find the stretch from 7pm (when she goes to sleep) til I go to bed quite demanding, as I don't feel I get a break. I also have a very boisterous 3 year old son who wakes at 6am, so we all get up then, as my daughter wakes when I get out of bed.
Do you have any suggestions for helping her to sleep without my physical contact for her daytime sleeps and from 7pm til 9pm or so? I like co-sleeping at night, I find it lovely and snuggly and it certainly makes night feeds much easier, but I would like some time to myself before I am ready to go to bed. I suspect this might just be my daughter's needs (my son was not bothered by sleeping in his cot alone at all!) and if so, I guess I am after reassurance that at some point, she will be able to sleep a bit more independently.
Thanks
Liz
A. Dear Liz,
It can be so exhausting when babies are going through a stage when they seem to need you all the time. First of all, remember this is just a stage in your baby’s life. Try to relax and your baby may relax a bit as well. I know this is not easy, the more we try to relax the more stressed out we may feel.
I think I might first try leaving the baby on the bed as you have done before and have a t-shirt or something of yours either under the baby. See if you can use your scent to get her to sleep a bit longer.
There are other tricks mothers have used successfully. Some babies like a bit of quiet music or white noise while they are sleeping. A radio or CD with quiet music or a fan or white noise machine may help. She may sleep better with the sounds of you puttering around as well. Baby massage or a warm bath may help her relax. During the day you might enjoy going for a walk with her in the stroller from time to time. The movement will most likely keep her asleep and you get the benefit of fresh air and a bit of exercise.
Perhaps your daughter has not settled into the rhythm of being a slightly older baby. She seems to have gotten into a pattern, now you just need to find a way to change the pattern in a way that you are comfortable with. Try some different things , keeping her awake longer or adjusting her feeding times and don’t forget to be on the lookout for the cues she will give you when she is tired.
I am also wondering if there is something that is making your daughter uncomfortable. If she is teething or if there is something you have added to her diet (or your own) that is not agreeing with her. However if this has been going on quite some time it is not likely to be teething but food intolerance is a possibility.
Some babies have underlying structural issues that can make them uncomfortable, which makes it difficult to sleep. I recommend a cranio-osteopath, but parents have had success with network chiropractors as well. There are several websites that explain the issues and how craino-osteopathy works. Have a look and decide for yourself if you think your baby could benefit.
Also don’t be afraid to ask for support. If you have a partner, get him involved as much as possible. Also you can ask a friend, relative or any support person to come over and have a cup of tea and hold the baby. Or do some cleaning, play with your son, or just have a chat with you while the baby rests in your arms. People are generally happy to help and it can make such a big difference.
If you want some further reading I can highly recommend Pinky Mckay’s book, Sleeping Like a Baby.
All the best,
Michele
Sunday, May 10, 2009
What's Best For The Kids?
Dear Michele,
I'm hoping you may be able to give me a bit of direction. I have 6 beautiful children aged 14, 12, 9, 8, 3 and 15 mths. I am a stay at home mum and do all the running around for them as well as almost everything at home. My problem is my partner, their father. We have been together for 19 years this year and at the moment I cant see it lasting the year. He has drinking and drug issues and has had the whole time we have been together. He is also on medication for depression and other healthy issues. At the moment he is not working, which means money is tighter than usual. He doesn't care about how much I do, he is not interested in going to any of the kids events, sports etc. All he is interested in is getting money for his drugs and alcohol. I try to shield the kids from it all but he takes all their birthday money and pocket money and the sad thing is they expect it. He never gives it back and he is always unpredictable in his moods. I can't go out to work because I can't leave the little kids with him for any length of time. When we do argue the kids take my side and he blames me for that also. What I want to know is 'do you think this is going to have an impact on the children, long term?'. We are paying off our own home, which is the only home my children have lived in, and he will not leave, purely out of spite. I have been told by the real estate agents that I would find it almost impossible to get a rental property with so many kids and no job. I feel worn out and so confused. He can be a really nice person but these times are few and far between. Thanks for your help.
A. How challenging for you! This is a very difficult situation and you are an incredibly strong person to be dealing with such tough issues. My first suggestion is to get some support as fast as you can. I am not a professional, my advice is to contact Alcoholics Anonymous and see if they have an Al-Anon meeting near you. Al-Anon is for the families and loved ones of alcoholics and drug addicts. They are a very supportive group of people who are or have been in similar situations to yours. It is volunteering based and costs no money. If there is not one near you or that doesn’t suit you, find a form of support that does. No one can handle such big issues on her own.
If it is not safe for your children to be home alone with their father, then you will need to find a way for you to change the situation you are in. Perhaps there is someone who can support you by spending time with the children, either in your home or theirs when you need to be out. You and your husband probably need to get some counseling if you haven’t done so recently. Relationships Australia has councilors in most regional centres and I believe their fees are income based, making them very affordable. If he will not see a relationship councilor, then I guess I would take that as a sign that he is not ready to change. You can choose to go on your own and sort some things out for yourself.
Most important is the safety and welfare of your children. Addiction and depression are very serious illnesses and must be treated accordingly. I have no way of predicting what the long term affects will be for your children, as everyone is different. Some children of Alcoholics have a very tough time themselves and others seem to be more resilient. The most important thing is that they know you love them and are there for them every day. Be sure that your children have someone they can talk to, especially the older ones. Growing up in a home where one parent has addiction and depression issues can put incredible pressure on children and cause considerable confusion. As their mother, you may feel you are the best person to listen to their concerns. This may not be true, your children probably want to protect you and not add to your burden. You can arrange for them to speak to a close family friend, clergy, councilor or anyone they are comfortable with.
This all probably sound so difficult, on top of what you are already doing to keep your family going. However, my feeling is that a shift is needed for your family to get out of this situation and into a healthier place. This shift can take many forms, depending on you and especially your husband’s readiness to change. You have already proven your strength and determination to do the best thing for your children by surviving this long in such a difficult situation.
Keep in mind that your husband’s illness is very serious and he needs to heal himself, how much you support him through this is a tough decision that only you can make.
My final suggestion is to not to let the fear of your financial situation overwhelm you. I know it is hard, with everything in our culture dependant on our financial situation. If you decide that you are going to do whatever it takes to give your children a safe and supportive home environment, it will come. Maybe not right away, the road may be bumpy and long but it will come.
All the best, my heart is with you.
Michele
For enquiries about Relationships Australia’s services or to make an appointment, call 1300 364 277. By phoning this number, your call will automatically be directed to the nearest Relationships Australia office in your area.
Also here is the link for Al-anon and Alateen Australia.
Alateen offers a supportive environment for teens with an alcoholic in their lives.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/australia/
I'm hoping you may be able to give me a bit of direction. I have 6 beautiful children aged 14, 12, 9, 8, 3 and 15 mths. I am a stay at home mum and do all the running around for them as well as almost everything at home. My problem is my partner, their father. We have been together for 19 years this year and at the moment I cant see it lasting the year. He has drinking and drug issues and has had the whole time we have been together. He is also on medication for depression and other healthy issues. At the moment he is not working, which means money is tighter than usual. He doesn't care about how much I do, he is not interested in going to any of the kids events, sports etc. All he is interested in is getting money for his drugs and alcohol. I try to shield the kids from it all but he takes all their birthday money and pocket money and the sad thing is they expect it. He never gives it back and he is always unpredictable in his moods. I can't go out to work because I can't leave the little kids with him for any length of time. When we do argue the kids take my side and he blames me for that also. What I want to know is 'do you think this is going to have an impact on the children, long term?'. We are paying off our own home, which is the only home my children have lived in, and he will not leave, purely out of spite. I have been told by the real estate agents that I would find it almost impossible to get a rental property with so many kids and no job. I feel worn out and so confused. He can be a really nice person but these times are few and far between. Thanks for your help.
A. How challenging for you! This is a very difficult situation and you are an incredibly strong person to be dealing with such tough issues. My first suggestion is to get some support as fast as you can. I am not a professional, my advice is to contact Alcoholics Anonymous and see if they have an Al-Anon meeting near you. Al-Anon is for the families and loved ones of alcoholics and drug addicts. They are a very supportive group of people who are or have been in similar situations to yours. It is volunteering based and costs no money. If there is not one near you or that doesn’t suit you, find a form of support that does. No one can handle such big issues on her own.
If it is not safe for your children to be home alone with their father, then you will need to find a way for you to change the situation you are in. Perhaps there is someone who can support you by spending time with the children, either in your home or theirs when you need to be out. You and your husband probably need to get some counseling if you haven’t done so recently. Relationships Australia has councilors in most regional centres and I believe their fees are income based, making them very affordable. If he will not see a relationship councilor, then I guess I would take that as a sign that he is not ready to change. You can choose to go on your own and sort some things out for yourself.
Most important is the safety and welfare of your children. Addiction and depression are very serious illnesses and must be treated accordingly. I have no way of predicting what the long term affects will be for your children, as everyone is different. Some children of Alcoholics have a very tough time themselves and others seem to be more resilient. The most important thing is that they know you love them and are there for them every day. Be sure that your children have someone they can talk to, especially the older ones. Growing up in a home where one parent has addiction and depression issues can put incredible pressure on children and cause considerable confusion. As their mother, you may feel you are the best person to listen to their concerns. This may not be true, your children probably want to protect you and not add to your burden. You can arrange for them to speak to a close family friend, clergy, councilor or anyone they are comfortable with.
This all probably sound so difficult, on top of what you are already doing to keep your family going. However, my feeling is that a shift is needed for your family to get out of this situation and into a healthier place. This shift can take many forms, depending on you and especially your husband’s readiness to change. You have already proven your strength and determination to do the best thing for your children by surviving this long in such a difficult situation.
Keep in mind that your husband’s illness is very serious and he needs to heal himself, how much you support him through this is a tough decision that only you can make.
My final suggestion is to not to let the fear of your financial situation overwhelm you. I know it is hard, with everything in our culture dependant on our financial situation. If you decide that you are going to do whatever it takes to give your children a safe and supportive home environment, it will come. Maybe not right away, the road may be bumpy and long but it will come.
All the best, my heart is with you.
Michele
For enquiries about Relationships Australia’s services or to make an appointment, call 1300 364 277. By phoning this number, your call will automatically be directed to the nearest Relationships Australia office in your area.
Also here is the link for Al-anon and Alateen Australia.
Alateen offers a supportive environment for teens with an alcoholic in their lives.
http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/australia/
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
A Difficult Situation
Q. Hello Michele,
I have a beautiful 2 month old baby that I am breastfeeding and have bonded
with wonderfully. However my husband wants to send the baby away to China
at 3 months old to live with his parents for 1 year so that we can work and
save money, and because he doesn't think that I will be able to cope at home alone with the baby whilst he is at work.
I really don't want this to happen as I think it is bad for the baby to be
separated from parents with whom he has already bonded and I know that it
will break my heart.
Please give me your perspective on this idea and some advice for convincing
my husband that our baby needs to be with us at this crucial stage in his
development.
Thankyou
Lili, Qld.
A. Hello Lili,
What a difficult situation! I must start by telling you that my suggestions are just that, I am not a relationship counsellor nor can I offer any professional advice.
I am sure every mother’s heart would be breaking at the thought of sending their baby away at such a young age. You are right in thinking this is a crucial time for you and your baby. Since you are breastfeeding, continuing to do so would greatly benefit your baby in many ways. Also bonding with you and your husband while your baby is young is going to set up how your baby handles relationships later in life.
Most importantly you do not agree with your husband and do not want to be separated from your baby. You will need to be prepared when you talk to your husband about this. Pick your time, one when you have enough time to discuss things thoroughly. Remember to remain calm and state your position clearly. You might feel more comfortable having someone else there with you, a friend, a trusted member of your community or even a professional.
Remember that women all over the world stay home with their babies while their husbands work. While Australian society has done its mothers a huge disservice, new mothers do often feel isolated. But this doesn’t have to be the case, there are play groups, young mothers groups and plenty of other ways to get connected or stay connected with people in your community. And if you do begin to feel under pressure, mothers have access to lots of services.
This is a very serious proposal from your husband and I would suggest you treat it that way. Be sure that he is able to listen to your views in a respectful manner and do not be afraid to seek help if you feel you need it.
Michele
email
I have a beautiful 2 month old baby that I am breastfeeding and have bonded
with wonderfully. However my husband wants to send the baby away to China
at 3 months old to live with his parents for 1 year so that we can work and
save money, and because he doesn't think that I will be able to cope at home alone with the baby whilst he is at work.
I really don't want this to happen as I think it is bad for the baby to be
separated from parents with whom he has already bonded and I know that it
will break my heart.
Please give me your perspective on this idea and some advice for convincing
my husband that our baby needs to be with us at this crucial stage in his
development.
Thankyou
Lili, Qld.
A. Hello Lili,
What a difficult situation! I must start by telling you that my suggestions are just that, I am not a relationship counsellor nor can I offer any professional advice.
I am sure every mother’s heart would be breaking at the thought of sending their baby away at such a young age. You are right in thinking this is a crucial time for you and your baby. Since you are breastfeeding, continuing to do so would greatly benefit your baby in many ways. Also bonding with you and your husband while your baby is young is going to set up how your baby handles relationships later in life.
Most importantly you do not agree with your husband and do not want to be separated from your baby. You will need to be prepared when you talk to your husband about this. Pick your time, one when you have enough time to discuss things thoroughly. Remember to remain calm and state your position clearly. You might feel more comfortable having someone else there with you, a friend, a trusted member of your community or even a professional.
Remember that women all over the world stay home with their babies while their husbands work. While Australian society has done its mothers a huge disservice, new mothers do often feel isolated. But this doesn’t have to be the case, there are play groups, young mothers groups and plenty of other ways to get connected or stay connected with people in your community. And if you do begin to feel under pressure, mothers have access to lots of services.
This is a very serious proposal from your husband and I would suggest you treat it that way. Be sure that he is able to listen to your views in a respectful manner and do not be afraid to seek help if you feel you need it.
Michele
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Great ideas for relationships with grandparents
The Kindred e-newsletter, Kindred Spirit just had a very informative article on setting boundaries and at the same time strengthening relationships with grandparents. Since my last question included some of the issues many of us face when interacting with either our own parents or our partner's, I thought I'd pass this information on to you.
The article is by Chynna T Laird and can be found in the April newsletter.
http://www.kindredmedia.com.au/library/kindred_spirit_april_2009/49/1
Enjoy the term break, time to relax with friends and family!
Michele
The article is by Chynna T Laird and can be found in the April newsletter.
http://www.kindredmedia.com.au/library/kindred_spirit_april_2009/49/1
Enjoy the term break, time to relax with friends and family!
Michele
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Holding it all together
Q. Hi Michele, I am not sure exactly why I am writing to you other than to say that I am feeling confused and overwhelmed about my role as a parent, my effectiveness, and a sense of not being in control of it. I have three children from three separate relationships- a sixteen year old boy, who has no relationship with his father but a relationship with his ex stepfather, an eight year old boy still in contact with his father and a one year old daughter from my current relationship.
When I was younger and my children were too, I had high ideals of how things were going to turn out, probably when my first child was young. I.e. not much television, very healthy diet, encouraging creativity, exploring nature, nurturing independent thought and kindness to others. But things haven’t turned out quite as I planned.
I tried to limit my children's exposure to television yet now it seems that all my eldest son does is watch television and sleep in (until after lunch) I believe he is a good person and he has a girl friend and he attends the local church youth group. However I feel he lacks motivation, he doesn’t play any sport, or have a job and seems to loose interest in the large gifts that he has received for birthdays. He doesn’t eat breakfast or lunch, and would prefer to eat sugar and fat than the healthy food I try to provide. I guess I would like to see him more engaged with life.
My younger son seems to be addicted to reading books, and I have real trouble getting him outside to play. When he is not reading he is kind of hyperactive, he jumps around all over the place and speaks louder than anyone else and constantly. Some times it suits me that he enjoys to read, and I think it is a fabulous thing to do, but I think he needs to have some broader activities that he can do at home. He is attending drama classes, but shies away from sport as well. There is also the aspect of the influence of other people. My parents try to compensate for my eldest child lack of a father. Some of this is nice but often it involves giving him what he wants rather than what he needs. I think the same applies with my younger child and his father. This creates difficulties for me as I feel I am often seen as the killjoy, and it can create resistance.
My husband tells me that he thinks I have been too soft on my children. I have done the best I could. He is often critical of them and does not really want to engage with them. He spends his time with our daughter, and comments that he does not want my children’s behavior to rub off on his daughter. He works all week and then says he is very tired on the weekends. We spend a lot of time at home on the weekends, as we don’t have a lot of spare money to go and do things.
I feel our family is not very connected as a unit and I spend time with them individually but we don’t spend much time together doing positive things. I have had postnatal depression after my last two children’s births. My husband and I have had some counseling together, and I have had some of my own. I have recently requested the support of a family support worker. This feels strange because on the outside we probably seem like a pretty well functioning family I am not sure what I want to ask you or achieve by writing to you. I guess I am hoping to turn this situation around somehow and would appreciate your thoughts or suggestions.
With gratitude.
A. Well, there is quite a bit going on for you. I think the best thing to do is to break things down into digestible sections.
You are right in your concern for your sons’ lack of exercise, however the approach will be very different for an eight year old than for a sixteen year old.
For ideas on how to encourage your younger son to get out and get active, have a look at an earlier blog entry of mine titled, Get Moving. There are so many ways to motivate youngsters to be active. You will need to be creative and willing to get involved in the action. Also, children learn by example, be sure to include physical activity into your routine.
As for your older son, I would suggest a meeting with him to address your concerns. At 16, he should be able to understand your concerns and hopefully together the two of you can come up with some ideas that you both can live with. You will have to be clear within yourself what your expectations are, taking into account what your overall values and goals are for your family. It may not be easy imparting these things into your son at a late age but we can all grow and change, better late than never.
There are a few things that you want to address with your teenage son. From what you wrote, you would like to see him exercise, possibly get a job, and be more engaged with life in general. I would also suggest that if he is not contributing to the running of the house, he should be.
Find a time when you can speak to your son about your concerns. Stay calm, giving him the facts but at the same time speak from your heart, he will be able to see that you are being genuine. Be prepared with the information you need and the steps you would like him to take to be more involved in his own health and actively involved with the family. You may also want to consider breaking things down into manageable steps.
As for working outside the home, if he is in school just make sure he has the time to do the job and not let his studies suffer. Also talk with your son about what you expect from his working. Will he be expected to be more financially independent, save some of his income? The more you sort out before he gets the job, the smoother things will be once his pay checks start rolling in.
At 16 much of what your son eats is ultimately up to him, your hope is to spark something in him that gives him the desire to eat better. You might suggest as a way of getting more involved in the running of the house he do some of the food shopping or cook a weekly meal. The same will be true for exercising; it will mostly have to come from within. Help him find something he is interested or would like to try and then support him in following it through.
Take it slow, you don’t want to overwhelm your son. It is easy to feel everything is too hard. Too many expectations at once can sometimes prevent some people from wanting to start at all.
I would also like to suggest family outings as a way for your family to feel closer to one another. You don’t have to do expensive things; it is the being together that is important. Find a nice place for a short hike in your area, cycling, or a trip to the beach, anything active that your family might grow to enjoy. Do something on a regular basis, maybe once a month. Be clear with your family that this is something that is very important to you and non-negotiable. Mothers do so much for everyone in the family; it is perfectly ok to ask for something in return. Let them be in on the decision-making, possibly taking turns deciding what to do. If your son is close to his girlfriend, it may be nice to invite her along.
While at home, do as much as you can together. Eating dinner together is very important so start there if you are not doing so already. This is sometimes hard to do every night so make sure it happens as much as possible. Also try some old fashioned activities, a games night or cards. Take turns making a delicious homemade dessert once a week. Working together as a family is also a great way to get closer. Get the yard work done, give the house a big clean out, even have a garage sale for some spending money to fund one of your outings. You may get resistance, from your children or even your partner, this is inevitable. How you handle the resistance is the key to success. You will need a full bag of tricks, try a light but determined approach.
It will also be helpful to talk to your partner before you sit down with the children. Let him know how important all of this is to you. You are all one family even if he is only the biological father of one of your children. Ideally you and your partner will present a united front, in reality this doesn’t always happen. If you can’t convince him to take a more active role in the family, it may be time to get some more professional help. If you don’t feel this is right for you, finding a way of parenting with your partner that you are comfortable with is important. And remember life is constantly changing, where you come up on a brick wall one day you may find an open door on another day.
Finally, grandparents are tricky. You may choose to talk to your parents about what is going on with your son or it may be better to sort it out yourself for now. Depending on your parents’ temperaments and your relationship with them it may or may not be helpful to bring them on board.
There certainly is a lot to consider. Remember to take it one step at a time, give yourself the space to think things through before you put plans into action. Also be good to yourself, set aside time alone. This doesn’t have to be a day at the spa, a hot bath and a good book can do the trick.
PS In response to your follow up question about good magazines for children that are not so media and consumer driven. I found a few Australian magazines. The links are below. There are lots of US ones as well but I am not sure of the costs involved in getting them here.
Scientriffic
Wacky But True
Sparrow Tree Square
Anyone know of any more?
Michele
email
When I was younger and my children were too, I had high ideals of how things were going to turn out, probably when my first child was young. I.e. not much television, very healthy diet, encouraging creativity, exploring nature, nurturing independent thought and kindness to others. But things haven’t turned out quite as I planned.
I tried to limit my children's exposure to television yet now it seems that all my eldest son does is watch television and sleep in (until after lunch) I believe he is a good person and he has a girl friend and he attends the local church youth group. However I feel he lacks motivation, he doesn’t play any sport, or have a job and seems to loose interest in the large gifts that he has received for birthdays. He doesn’t eat breakfast or lunch, and would prefer to eat sugar and fat than the healthy food I try to provide. I guess I would like to see him more engaged with life.
My younger son seems to be addicted to reading books, and I have real trouble getting him outside to play. When he is not reading he is kind of hyperactive, he jumps around all over the place and speaks louder than anyone else and constantly. Some times it suits me that he enjoys to read, and I think it is a fabulous thing to do, but I think he needs to have some broader activities that he can do at home. He is attending drama classes, but shies away from sport as well. There is also the aspect of the influence of other people. My parents try to compensate for my eldest child lack of a father. Some of this is nice but often it involves giving him what he wants rather than what he needs. I think the same applies with my younger child and his father. This creates difficulties for me as I feel I am often seen as the killjoy, and it can create resistance.
My husband tells me that he thinks I have been too soft on my children. I have done the best I could. He is often critical of them and does not really want to engage with them. He spends his time with our daughter, and comments that he does not want my children’s behavior to rub off on his daughter. He works all week and then says he is very tired on the weekends. We spend a lot of time at home on the weekends, as we don’t have a lot of spare money to go and do things.
I feel our family is not very connected as a unit and I spend time with them individually but we don’t spend much time together doing positive things. I have had postnatal depression after my last two children’s births. My husband and I have had some counseling together, and I have had some of my own. I have recently requested the support of a family support worker. This feels strange because on the outside we probably seem like a pretty well functioning family I am not sure what I want to ask you or achieve by writing to you. I guess I am hoping to turn this situation around somehow and would appreciate your thoughts or suggestions.
With gratitude.
A. Well, there is quite a bit going on for you. I think the best thing to do is to break things down into digestible sections.
You are right in your concern for your sons’ lack of exercise, however the approach will be very different for an eight year old than for a sixteen year old.
For ideas on how to encourage your younger son to get out and get active, have a look at an earlier blog entry of mine titled, Get Moving. There are so many ways to motivate youngsters to be active. You will need to be creative and willing to get involved in the action. Also, children learn by example, be sure to include physical activity into your routine.
As for your older son, I would suggest a meeting with him to address your concerns. At 16, he should be able to understand your concerns and hopefully together the two of you can come up with some ideas that you both can live with. You will have to be clear within yourself what your expectations are, taking into account what your overall values and goals are for your family. It may not be easy imparting these things into your son at a late age but we can all grow and change, better late than never.
There are a few things that you want to address with your teenage son. From what you wrote, you would like to see him exercise, possibly get a job, and be more engaged with life in general. I would also suggest that if he is not contributing to the running of the house, he should be.
Find a time when you can speak to your son about your concerns. Stay calm, giving him the facts but at the same time speak from your heart, he will be able to see that you are being genuine. Be prepared with the information you need and the steps you would like him to take to be more involved in his own health and actively involved with the family. You may also want to consider breaking things down into manageable steps.
As for working outside the home, if he is in school just make sure he has the time to do the job and not let his studies suffer. Also talk with your son about what you expect from his working. Will he be expected to be more financially independent, save some of his income? The more you sort out before he gets the job, the smoother things will be once his pay checks start rolling in.
At 16 much of what your son eats is ultimately up to him, your hope is to spark something in him that gives him the desire to eat better. You might suggest as a way of getting more involved in the running of the house he do some of the food shopping or cook a weekly meal. The same will be true for exercising; it will mostly have to come from within. Help him find something he is interested or would like to try and then support him in following it through.
Take it slow, you don’t want to overwhelm your son. It is easy to feel everything is too hard. Too many expectations at once can sometimes prevent some people from wanting to start at all.
I would also like to suggest family outings as a way for your family to feel closer to one another. You don’t have to do expensive things; it is the being together that is important. Find a nice place for a short hike in your area, cycling, or a trip to the beach, anything active that your family might grow to enjoy. Do something on a regular basis, maybe once a month. Be clear with your family that this is something that is very important to you and non-negotiable. Mothers do so much for everyone in the family; it is perfectly ok to ask for something in return. Let them be in on the decision-making, possibly taking turns deciding what to do. If your son is close to his girlfriend, it may be nice to invite her along.
While at home, do as much as you can together. Eating dinner together is very important so start there if you are not doing so already. This is sometimes hard to do every night so make sure it happens as much as possible. Also try some old fashioned activities, a games night or cards. Take turns making a delicious homemade dessert once a week. Working together as a family is also a great way to get closer. Get the yard work done, give the house a big clean out, even have a garage sale for some spending money to fund one of your outings. You may get resistance, from your children or even your partner, this is inevitable. How you handle the resistance is the key to success. You will need a full bag of tricks, try a light but determined approach.
It will also be helpful to talk to your partner before you sit down with the children. Let him know how important all of this is to you. You are all one family even if he is only the biological father of one of your children. Ideally you and your partner will present a united front, in reality this doesn’t always happen. If you can’t convince him to take a more active role in the family, it may be time to get some more professional help. If you don’t feel this is right for you, finding a way of parenting with your partner that you are comfortable with is important. And remember life is constantly changing, where you come up on a brick wall one day you may find an open door on another day.
Finally, grandparents are tricky. You may choose to talk to your parents about what is going on with your son or it may be better to sort it out yourself for now. Depending on your parents’ temperaments and your relationship with them it may or may not be helpful to bring them on board.
There certainly is a lot to consider. Remember to take it one step at a time, give yourself the space to think things through before you put plans into action. Also be good to yourself, set aside time alone. This doesn’t have to be a day at the spa, a hot bath and a good book can do the trick.
PS In response to your follow up question about good magazines for children that are not so media and consumer driven. I found a few Australian magazines. The links are below. There are lots of US ones as well but I am not sure of the costs involved in getting them here.
Scientriffic
Wacky But True
Sparrow Tree Square
Anyone know of any more?
Michele
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