Teenagers & Sex

I have received a few questions lately from parents who are concerned about their teens and sexuality. I guess it is in the front of everyone’s minds with all the media coverage recently. How do we support our teens to have a healthy attitude towards their sexuality and sexual relations?

When thinking about this question I did a lot of reading up on sexually active teens and what they are up to these days. If the research is correct, life for a sexually active teen is very different from their parent’s experiences. Which comes as no surprise, generational change is to be expected.

Some of the changes are positive, some research shows the rate of teen pregnancy has gone down. Girls are feeling empowered in relationships and generally there is more respect between the sexes. But what happens when things go horribly wrong? How do teenage girls get into some pretty scary situations? It’s true alcohol and drugs are often involved when poor decisions are made. And self-esteem must be an issue. What about the young men, boys in some cases who think it is ok to participate in group sex, that queuing up with several guys for their turn with one girl is some kind of male ‘right of passage’? And that the girl ‘wanted it’, ‘asked for it’.

So what do we do? Assume that only footy players and degenerates participate in these things, that our children will never find themselves at a party where such a violation takes place? I’m afraid not. We need to treat sex education, healthy body image and sexual values to our children just like we do every other aspect of their lives that is important to us.

We need to talk to our children about sex and relationships. Start young and be available to your children whenever they want to talk about things. The media is bombarding our children constantly with music clips and songs with alcohol and sex as the themes. Sex is constantly in the news and your children will have spoken to their friends about the latest indiscretions that make the headlines. So you need to be in the conversation too.

Sit down with your child and let them know what your values are. Most parents don’t even talk about the nuts and bolts of sex much less the emotional aspects of it. Help your children practice how they might support a friend who may be about to make a decision they may regret. Just like we help them say no to drugs, help your child by going through some scenarios, as embarrassing as it might be. It is possible that your child may need to help a friend who has had too much to drink and about to do something they will regret for the rest of their lives. Discuss with your son that even if it appears that a young girl is enjoying a sexual act with several guys, it is their responsibility to not contribute to someone’s pain. Also discuss how her judgement is probably impaired and she may feel quite differently the next day. We all do things we regret and I’m sure all teens can understand this.

Research shows that girls who end up at a party drunk and giving away sex or oral sex to several boys thought that it would give them some power or social status but the reality was very different. The girls regretted the decision and were socially ostracized, not only by the other girls but also by the very boys who were queuing up. Now we as adults can see this coming but what we have to keep in mind is that a teenage brain is not fully developed and it is part of the teenage experience to make mistakes. As a society I think it is our collective responsilbity to ensure that our children not to make such damaging ones.

It is also important to model positive behaviour. Your children are watching what you do much more closely than you think. Your children see you respecting the opposite sex and behaving in a warm and loving manner towards your partner, they will know what your core vales are. When you tell someone that you don’t appreciate derogatory comments, it may not make you the life of the party but it will show your child that you walk the talk.

The more we talk about body image and healthy sexuality the more likely it is your child will feel good about themselves and their relationships. Isn’t that what we want for our children and our society?

Michele Dennis


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Take a Hike

Hi Michele,

During the holidays, our family is spending time in Wales, where there is lots of hiking and outdoor activities.

Our children always roll their eyes when we tell them we are going hiking for the day. They do not want to go. But I don’t want to leave them behind on one of these journeys while we are on holiday.

Advice?

Janine
VIC


Hi Janine,

We all do have to do things we don’t want to do, even when on holidays.

Explain to your children that when your family is travelling there will be days when they will be asked to participate in things that are important to you and there will be days where they can choose the activity, which may not be of interest to you.

It is important for children to understand that sometimes we do things for the people we care about because it is important to them, not because it just happens that we want to do it anyway.

Activities such as a family hiking day can be followed by a day doing something that the children choose.

Michele
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Homework Helper

Hi Michele,

My 9 year old son hates doing his homework; every night it is a battle.

How do I support him?

Jon
Sydney


Hi Jon,

Organisation is the key. Have a set time and place to do homework.

The homework space should be clear and tidy and close to you. You can sit down with your child at the beginning of the week and look at how much homework they have, what other things they have to do that week and what things they would like to do, then you can outline a plan for when to get their homework done.

Also there should be minimal distraction. The TV should be off and computer used only for the task at hand. Once the homework is done, your son can get to the things he wants to do with his free time.

It is also important not to fuel the fire. A simple statement saying you understand that he doesn’t like to do homework, unfortunately it has to be done. He may carry on, you then say that you need to start dinner but you are here if he needs help.

Young children may need more help than you think, so stay near by. Make sure that there isn’t something larger going on like genuinely struggling with the work. Finally children need to be well rested and have a healthy diet. If your child is tired, hungry or fuelled by junk food the task at hand may seem more challenging than it is.

Michele
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Morning Mayhem

Hi Michele,

The morning before school madness is really getting to me!

How can the mornings go more smoothly for my three kids and myself?

Natasha
NSW


Hi Natasha,

The most important factor in the morning running smoothly is being prepared.

Everyone having a good night’s sleep (especially you!) and preparing as much as you can in advance will be the difference between a good morning and a disaster.

Have the food for breakfast and the lunch boxes in the fridge and the school clothes ready.

If you have a child who struggles to get up in the morning have them get their clothes and school bag ready the night before.

Also try to know how much your child can do for herself and to participate in the jobs such as making breakfast and lunch, having expectations that are too high or low is a common mistake.

Depending on the ages of your children they may enjoy a chart on the fridge so they can tick off the things they need to do.

You might consider getting up a bit before your children to have a cup of tea or get yourself dressed.

Also, leave the TV off.

Michele
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The Art of a Proper Holiday

I have a confession to make. This is not what I intended to write about for the January newsletter. I have a half-finished article on cyber-bullying on a word document, stuck in my laptop. Here's what happened:

Our week-long holiday was fast approaching and the article was still not finished. Partly due to school holidays and partly due to good, old fashioned procrastination.

Suddenly I had a great idea! I could take my laptop along and finish it while the kids were swimming, or otherwise occupied - just like all the other journalists and bloggers do all the time.

Well, somehow things didn't work out the way I planned and I was unable to access wireless in our quaint seaside village and after jumping through several hoops and getting nowhere I decided to give up on my quest to get the article finished and get back to my holiday.

Through all of this I learned a valuable lesson - finish your work before you start your holiday!

The lure of modern technology is enticing but it can let you down. And a holiday is meant to be a break from the daily grind.

So now it's back to the beach for me.

I just hope I can remember this valuable lesson next year!

Michele Dennis


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A Day at the Beach

One thing is a guaranteed certainty for me, this time of year my mind is almost always at the beach.

I am lucky enough to live close enough to get down there often but somehow I just can’t get enough. This spring I find myself as busy as usual and am really missing a relaxing day at the beach. There is so much to be gained from a day of doing nothing in particular, whether it is a day at the beach, a picnic in the park or just lazing around the house, the whole family will benefit from some serious down time. But as I look at our calendar, I wonder how do I pull this off? The embarrassing truth is, I have to schedule it!

As strange as it feels scheduling a free day for your family I think it will be worth it. The idea is to block out the first day on your calendar and other then a few obvious exceptions don’t let anything stop you from have a decent chill out session.

Depending on the interests of your family members and the ages of your children there are several options for your day. If your family enjoys being active you could go on a bike ride or a hike. You could spend the day at the beach, surfing, playing cricket and making sand castles. You may be surprised when your much older children get into making a sand castle. Maybe what your family really needs is a day at home, doing nothing in particular. Or if you fancy a little retail therapy-try an op shop spree or hit a few garage sales.

Of course, weather is going to be a factor and this is where it is important not too plan too much. If you are set on a big trip to the beach only to wake up to a rainy or windy day everyone is disappointed. Leaving your day open means you may go to the beach but you may go to the op shop and the second-hand bookstore.

My sons are getting older and don’t always want to come along with mum and dad on family outings. At first I was a little sad and even hurt when they chose being with their friends over us. Now I use these outings as a way to stay in touch with the boys and their friends. A day out with my children and a couple of friends can be really fun for everyone and as we all know the studies are all saying that the best thing we can do for our teen is to get to spend time with them and get to know their friends.

If you tend to get a little too busy then scheduling a chill out day will help reconnect your family and recharge yourself for the busy week ahead. For me it also gives me the incentive to drop a few of the non-essential things I sometimes fill my life up with. Every once in awhile I need to take a step back from it all and look at what exactly I have signed myself up for. If I can let a few things go and not replace them with other non-essential busyness I might be able to have a few more relaxing days in the future.




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Computer Games

Some things catch me off guard as a parent. One day we are travelling along well as a family and it seems like out of nowhere we are stressed out and arguing regularly about a particular issue.

However when I look back I can see that the problem has built up over time. The most recent example is my younger son’s time spent playing computer games. In my family we have a policy of no screen time during the week, except for homework, and I limit time on the weekends as well. My sons are also very active and love being outside. I never have to ask them to get out and do something, they are always kicking the footy, playing tennis, swimming or riding their bikes. So it’s not like he is spending hours and hours on the computer. The issues are more about the content of the computer games and how we are interacting with each other when problems arise.

There are a few areas where I get overwhelmed when it comes to computer games. One is that I chose to have my children get everything done before they get on the computer. Now usually this is a good incentive to get the jobs and other various things done but I find if I’m not on top of it things can escalate pretty quickly. So then when it is time to move on to the next thing I have not only the battle of getting my son off the computer but also running late because my son is not ready.

When I think about this I can see that most of the angst is around how I react to things not being done when they should be. It really isn’t necessary to get stressed and let it affect the whole family. What I feel I should have done is have something in place for when things are not done when they are supposed to be. Then I can just remind my son (who has decided to be referred to as Fred in my blog posts) of the consequences and do my best to remain calm, thus taking the emotion out of the situation. I can now do that and hopefully this will make things easier for everyone.

The other thing I think is very important is to not be too hard on myself. So things slide a bit from the ideal, that’s ok. The main thing is that my children know I love them and I am doing the best that I can. If we need to realign ourselves from time to time, this is just a part of life. Especially when the issue is a small one.

Another thing that crept up on me was the length of the computer sessions. I began with a half hour on Saturdays and Sundays, then it was also on Friday and then the half hour was never enough. There always seemed to be another level or one more thing that had to be done. Fred and I found two solutions to these problems. The first was that I gave him a heads up five minutes before his time was up, giving him time to finish what he was doing and save the game if he wanted to.

For second problem, that he wanted a little more time on the computer now that he was getting older I came up with a creative solution that I am happy to report worked well, because I was very skeptical. I could see that it was not unreasonable that more time should be given, as you get older. What I decided to do was to come up with a point system for any time on top of the original hour. Fred is naturally good at math but would like to be doing a bit better in math class. So to improve his skills and his self esteem in the area we decided that for every half hour he spends on math web sites he can get 15 minutes of bonus points for the weekend. Now of coarse I wasn’t too confident about this plan because he is on the computer doing the math. However, he is really enjoying the math, where he doesn’t seem to enjoy it as much when it is sent home on paper. Fred has discovered that he can do math problems well above his grade at school and that he really, genuinely likes math. Another reminder that as a mother I need to remain open to different approaches and take cues from my children, especially now that they are older.

There are other, more broad concerns over computer use and specifically computer games to consider. Too much time in front of the computer is linked to obesity and social isolation. We all know that in general Australian children need to get outside more. I would also add that they also need time outdoors, just being kids. Organised sport is great but the old adage, everything in moderation comes to mind.

When Fred first became interested in computer games about a year ago I really struggled with the concept. For the most part his friends introduced them to him and I didn’t know what any of the games were like and again I had no system in place to handle the onslaught of violence that was coming our way through the computer screen. I knew that violent games were linked to aggressive behaviour in young men and I wasn’t comfortable with the shooting up and blowing up style of a lot of games. It was easy to say “No violent video games.” But it did prove challenging to find games for the boys to play that were not violent. It involved sitting down with the children and having a look at the games. This proved a wonderful opportunity to see what kinds of games kids are playing and be able to discuss what was going on and why I didn’t approve. Sometimes Fred could see what I was on about and sometimes he thought I was an overprotective nutcase. I think it’s ok for your kid to think you are nuts once in awhile.

Just like so many things with growing children, my rules and regulations around computer time is a work in progress. My older son now wants to be on social networking sites, which poses a whole new set of issues and concerns. Fortunately I have learned a few things on this ever-changing parenting path and I feel a bit more prepared for that. I think the biggest lesson I have learned is to stay current. It is important to know what kinds of things your children and their friends are likely to be interested in so you are prepared when the onslaught of requests hit you. Fortunately there is so much information out there about what kinds of things teens and preteens are up to there is no reason not to keep current. I have also found it helpful to ask friends whose children are slightly older than my oldest one what their kids are up to and how they have handled particular situations. And most importantly talk to your children and take the time to listen attentively to what they have to say.

Michele Dennis

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